A bit of a pity-party this time around.
I quite unexpectedly experienced a break-up with the
“One” …the “Forever” …the “Stop looking, Stupid, you’ve found her!” If it
sounds like I’m making light of this experience, be assured that I am not. I feel
like I’m being field-dressed hourly.
Months later, I still find it extremely difficult to write about.
Andrea had come to feel like the absolute lynchpin of my existence...everyone's
"you're so perfect together." There was nothing we couldn’t talk
about. Nothing we couldn’t manage. Nothing we couldn’t share. Nothing we
couldn’t take on and conquer TOGETHER! Until, there was!
“Blindsided” doesn’t begin to cover it. E-mail – her chosen
method for making her decision known - an ugly means of ending a
once-loving relationship by any measure - has a way of muddying whatever her
reasons may have been. And just for the record, the rom-com trope, “I don’t
want to hurt you” is far less a balm than Andrea cares to realize. The content
of what was essentially our last pre-break-up conversation focused on her
adamant insistence that I was being “silly” for thinking there was anything
wrong with our relationship - my sense of unease be damned! Honesty and a modicum of kindness would
certainly have been far more welcome.
“Informed” opinions have been shared – through the family grapevine
– as to causes but nothing brought even a glimmer of solace. Most reported
rationalizations sounded like grotesque rewrites of our relationship reality and
ignored completely the love, joy and peace we’d actually brought to each other’s lives…our
history changed to fit a new storyline. But I digress…
Our daily routine began with a first-thing-in-the morning
text - “Hello, Lovey” before I was even out of bed (if, in fact I awoke at my
apartment and not hers). A brief exchange of text messages always commenced as Andrea got
her kids out the door and I got ready for work. Once at the train station we’d
chat until her train arrived, then an ongoing update of the train’s progress
until she got to her stop. An hour or two later, there'd be an email or two detailing the
overall mood she was managing as her workday unfolded, or as likely, a
phone-call to exchange “I love you” messages and a “what time will you be over
tonight?” along with the sometime request that I pick up one or both of her kids from whatever
afterschool program they'd been a part of that day - a very familial connection despite later distortions. A
similar cycle was part of our afternoon - during lunch breaks and the like - and I was never happier than when
Andrea and I connected. We loved each other “TMD” (truly, madly,
deeply). Love was a constant and laughter a frequent guest in our life together. What can I say? That's who we
were.
In today’s world of ceaseless communication methods, the
abrupt cessation of such contact is exponentially more painful than I'd ever imagined
it could be. We are no longer connected via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,
LinkedIn, Tumblr, Gmail, Hotmail, or Messenger. Hell, she even took me off her Netflix account.
All of those pings, dings, and rings I’d so look forward to each day – just
to know Andrea was there - halted far too suddenly, and I’m still doing my best
to bounce back.
Like I said, a pity-party but this came to mind and I felt
the need to share…
Can we talk?
Otto
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Tune of the day: “Hallelujah” – the Jeff Buckley version -
for you, Andrea!