12/27/2017

I hope tomorrow you find better things…

It’s the holiday season and depression is kicking my *ss. When I hit this seasonal psychological wall, I KNOW what I should be doing about it – leave curtains open to let natural light in, keep my prayer life strong, avoid isolation, take a vitamin D supplement (suggested by my sister), socialize with family/friends and pursue those things that would normally energize and uplift me. Sadly, few of those things are working. I’m trying like hell – going so far as to spend more time than usual in places like Toys R Us and my favorite comic and book stores, but…no buzz…not the slightest “positive mental hum” that used to accompany these field trips. That lift I so hoped for just didn’t happen. Even karaoke – an enjoyable pastime was more aggravating than enriching. Too many drunken, rowdy twentysomethings screaming at each other while bellowing songs.

I haven’t seen my son in nearly two months? I’ve sent 16 or so text messages without response. It’s become clear that he’s been pulled into issues that REDACTED and I are having. He and I have NEVER had any prior communication breakdown, other than when REDACTED refused to allow us to connect in past years. It seems he’s bought into REDACTED’s view that I’m “Dad Vader.” Puh-lease…

I know it doesn’t help that I’ve been tuned into mostly “dark” television shows. I’ve always enjoyed ensemble casts and character dynamics so after reading a recent article in Esquire, I thought I’d check out “Oz” (HBO On­Demand). I’m neck-deep into the final season (Alas, poor Augustus!) – a season even heavier than usual so I took a break to binge on “The Punisher” (Netflix). Then I had to catch up on “The Walking Dead”.

“Ten cc’s of ‘I Love Lucy’ STAT! Get this man an Elvis movie, NOW!”

Then there are the “shes” of my life. What can I say? In all honesty, I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten over my relationship with Andrea. Unexpected and truly unwanted endings take more time to recover from. I’ve been absolutely haunted by memories of Christmases past. Some part of me will always love you, Babe! As I said in my last post, we were perfect…until we weren’t.

More recently...I was dating, let’s call her “Liza.” If I’m being truthful, I don't know that I expected this one to have a long shelf-life, but Liza could be sweet, great fun to be around, talented (in a number of ways) but at the end of the day, my effort to ignore the “mysteries” of her social life outside of time I spent with her took too much of my energy. It became clear that we had different attitudes about honesty. Through a series of strange contrivances and unusual “plot devices” our “romance” proved sadly ill-fated. Fare thee well, Liza. I wish you nothing but continued success, Darlin’.

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February 23, 2018

That was months ago and with help; I’ve pulled out of my seasonal tailspin. I spoke with my Dad (nearly 86 years-old and possessor of wisdom beyond wisdom) who “gets” me. We talked quite a bit about depression and he helped me tremendously through his endless compassion and ability to simply understand me. That helped set the positive wheels in motion. Thanks, Dad!

On the down(ish) side, I exited a show I’d looked forward to being involved in – the one that rescued me from similar depression last year - due to a very odd song selection and a myriad of other reasons. The new friendships and prevailing camaraderie I’d so enjoyed last year was unfortunately not enough to offset my uneasy feelings about the show. I realized that there was little to gain by spending (significant) time doing something I simply wasn’t enjoying. I am happy to report that the show was very successful – something I’d continued to wish both friends and cause despite my self-imposed exodus. I’ll try again next year.

I auditioned for Voices of Hope – a group I’d sung with last fall – for a role in their production of “Working” - an audition I was later told by the Director she really enjoyed. It proved to be a case of too many people vying for too few a number of “speaking” roles. No matter. I am happy to be a part of a Voices of Hope production…until I learned I couldn’t be this time around. The one and only performance is on the same day as my nephew/god-son’s wedding. I will continue to be a member of this group, nonetheless.

I’m now involved in a production of “Jesus Christ Superstar” that I’m really enjoying and I was recently told I’m to be both a leper and a fabric merchant. How strange life is when you are elated upon hearing the words, “Otto, you’re a leper!” Both the show and the performers are incredible. We have a Jesus you can believe in and a Judas who will bring you to tears. I am SO happy to be part of this group and production. It feels like where I’m supposed to be.

Laughter is the best medicine -
except when treating that persistent rash...

Otto

Tune of the day: Getting Better - The Beatles