Please don't look my way, when you see me on the street. 
We will still be strangers when we meet...

03/09/18

Okay, so I’ve been looking at a few dating sites for  REDACTED PERIOD OF TIME  and based on personal observations would like to offer the ladies a few suggestions…

·    If your profile photo shows some big hairy arm wrapped around you, you may not get the response count you’re hoping for.

·    Posing with animals – ostriches, ferrets, llamas, camels, donkeys – I’ve seen one woman posing with a tiger – may not be your best idea. Guys may not want their first date to be at the local zoo…not enough Tarzans in the world for this many "Janes" and who knew it was possible for a giraffe to look embarrassed?

·    Walks on the beach? Sounds a bit too much like a Playmate interview circa 1972…and lying down in front of a fire? Maybe if what’s burning is your ex-husband’s car. Otherwise, it’s been done.

·    Snapchat filters? No…Unless you actually do have rainbows, flowers, birds, and/or musical notes in your hair…and the puppy/kitty snouts? No. Just…No.

·    Sunglasses in every photo? Not unless you’re Stevie Wonder…

·    I’ve seen a profile photo (more than one, actually) where the prospective date is in a wedding dress. Rushing things just a bit there, Ellie Mae, don’t you think?

·    What is the deal with the kayaks? Was that a gift for signing up? I’m going to guess it arrived with that copy of “The Notebook” you all seem to have.

·    Who told you THAT was a good picture? You know your friends were just being nice, right? And most of us really don’t need to see as much of the back of your phone as you keep showing us.

·    Please have someone else take your photo. There are too many up-your-nose and forehead shots and close-ups that only your dermatologist should see. And if you’re a football fields distance away from the camera…Hmmm?

·    Your photo is sideways (or sometimes upside-down). Did you not notice or should we assume this IS your typical position on a date? (This might be a qood thing. Who am I to judge?)

·    Duckfaces? Unless your name is “Donald”, “Daffy”, or “Daisy” you should rethink this…or maybe you’re hoping to date a duck…in which case, have at it. Again, who am I to judge? Though there are probably easier ways to fly south for the winter…

·    Breasts! Breasts. Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! Breasts! We KNOW you have them…breasts, that is, but unless you want them to be the only thing we’re looking at when we meet, maybe the girls aren’t ready for their close-up. There’s that whole “My face is up here” thing? If some guy in a bar gawked at your “features” as much as you’re showing them off in your photos, you’d slap his face and call the bouncer.

·    Comb your hair…Seriously. Was it really that windy, Dorothy? Hell, washing it could also be a plus…

·    While I’m at it, brush your teeth…or at least please put them in, Pumpkin.
(That's for everyone. I know a guy who looks like he hasn’t brushed his teeth since his First Communion)
Not attractive!

·    If you look like you should be swinging an axe and chasing unknowing teenagers through the woods while scary music plays, please reconsider whether dating websites are serving your social needs…

·    “Curvy” seems to mean that you can have a figure like Salma Hayek or a motor home.
What is that about? I'm not body-shaming, but rather looking for a more precise definition of the word. Whoops, my bad - EVERYONE is athletic. And again with the kayaks?

·    You’re “hoping to meet a man with a good sense of humor.” So THAT’s what that long line was for? Y’all are queuing up to date some broke-ass guy so long as he makes you laugh? Now, THAT is funny!

Always hopeful,

Otto

Song of the Day: Ladies of the World – Flight of the Conchords